Just look at its beady, shifty eyes.  What secrets does it hide?  What is it plotting?  I daren’t turn my back on it, just in case.

This is no irrational fear.  We have a penguin in the bathroom, who tries to charge me rent.  Honest.  Penguins cannot be trusted, I tell you.

There is overwhelming evidence supporting my claim, too.  Just look at such documentaries as The Wrong Trousers and The Simpsons.  Proof positive that penguins are up to no good.  Don’t be fooled by their black-and-white appearance, or taken in by their oh-so-cute fluffy chicks – give them an inch and they’ll swim all over you.

You have been warned.